I can’t believe im writing this at this very moment and at this very time time... the following stories are based on my treasured journal the rummaged thru my old forgotten stuff around 2002. Its good to revisit the old times.. Reevaluating one's self and rediscover how love changes a person over a period of time.. the following names where changed for the security and privacy of the person involved... then again i just want to let you know that in this entry. .everything is left in the past and it the past shall it remain.. This is my love stories: revisited.
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Blast from the past. A journal i wrote in 2002.
Love moves in a very mysterious way. You'll never know when and where will it strike you and how will it come into your life. Sometimes it comes when you least expected..
How my lovestories did begin and ended?? Who looked for whom and who found who?
Growing up i saw myself as an average teen. Physical: not overwhelming. Academically: average. i am not a loner, never in my entire life though. I have friends by in relatively small number. I value quality not quantity.
Ugly duckling as other people usually commented, i was always compared to my other siblings from looking (physically and behaviorally) different. Not that i am a 3-eyed monster or is hairy or green skinned mutant, but really, if you see my sibling now, you'll understand what i am trying to say.
Afar from this, i was never courted like girls my age, never in my 18 years of existence in this planet. Not that im so into that kind of stage but sometimes i asked my self why. Is it how i look? Or was i not attractive enough to make guys notice me? Maybe just maybe there are a lot more girls from man to choose from that before they even notice me then have noticed other girls. So you just have to sit back and expect that somebody will even take time to notice you. I do not blame guys. It’s their nature, i guess. I somehow concluded that guys go for girls that have nice faces and sexy bodies they can flaunt to people at all times. And yeah i don’t want to be that girl.
Crushes?? i have plenty of those, but still enough to count using my fingers and my toes.. Im going to count them all..
Grade 4 : E.R
Grade 5: M.M
Grade 6 : R.L
1st Yr HS: A.L
2nd YR: R.S
3rd: J.A
4th: A.U , G.C , R.A
1st Yr College:
2nd: R.R
3rd -W.?
3rd: (to 2007): A.G. - my 1st boyfriend
1st Yr til present? - A.M
Gee. Do you think that's a lot? i think you're wrong. Coz they're just few unlike those other girls during my time that, at grade 6 had their first boyfriends, I don’t judge them though, they can do whatever they want to do. I can’t believe i remember every single one of them. Whoa!
As you can see, i changes my crushes every year, well that's just me, hanggang crush lang, hehe.. Contented with just looking at them from afar, sitting with them during classes, satisfied with just being friend with them but never to the point that i divulge my feeling for them.
i remember, when one of them spilled his crushes to me during HS. In return, i revealed to him my classmates who had a crush on him to (coz these girls open up to me, too) but ended up for him to discover that I, too, had a crush on him.
When our class adviser learned about it, she started pairing us up. Yeah, so high school.. Unfortunately it didn’t work (and im glad now that it didn’t) The result? we never talk to each other the same way again. I was i think in my senior year then. the memories of high school is just so nice to reminisce. you smile, you think of the person, how he is doing now and that's about it. the last time we saw each other is on a reunion with our HS batch and i think he's doing just fine.
Infatuation. That one, i will never forget, i used to like these guy back in HS too. he’s a classmate and lives just around the neighborhood. He's a basketball player and a known chickboy.i remember trying hard to be a basketball fanatic when never ever been so into sports. I was always a musically inclined person as far as i can remember. How many times that my mother or father fetched me from the nearby basketball court and scold me terribly once we're home. Those were the good ol crazy days. and as far as i can remember, there is only one lesson i've learned from that experience: learn to appreciate basketball games. Period.
So here comes, sisterly love, how can i forget? Of course i encountered that...i met this guy, he was a year older than me. Back then, that was the time i first became active in church organizations, it was well the same old pattern. Here it goes...
Let's do it this way ... Ms. New-little-sister and Mr. Older Brother.
The story began when Mr. Older Brother. Began being extra sweet to Ms. New-Little sister, not knowing that Mr. Older Brother was just his usual friendly and accommodating self to new comers.
Ms. New Little Sister expected that its more than just sisterly love but only to end up being heart broken for the first time. Mr. Older Brother was not even aware of the whole situation. Since then Ms. Little sister-no more changed. And Mr. Older brother had his new sets of priorities left the group leaving Ms. Little Sister-no more behind, all heart broken and in pain.
But as all stories, someone should move on and look for Mr. Right and that's what Ms. Little Sister no more did. As days go by all of us must all get up and learned from our mistakes and always keep in mind that God doesn’t want us to settle for someone less than what he wants us to end up with. All bad memories should be left behind to appreciate tomorrow.
After sometime, Mr. Older brother returned and was confused of all the sudden changed of everybody he left behind: including, of course Ms. Little Sister-no more. All grown up.
it was this time that Mr. Older brother learned what happened in the past and now that they both moved on and stayed as friends.
So that was it. i was Ms. Little Sister - no more. Why i easily moved on? its becoz my friends help me along the way. They helped me cope up, lighten the load. After that i was back on track. i think that's what you really do..
This other story is i think one of the most memorable love stories of my life...
For starters, a year before i met this guy, i went to antipolo church with some friends and as the saying goes, if its your first time in that sacred place then you can make a wish. Yeah i used to believe those stuff.. Fast forward a year after...
The first meeting with this guy was so unpleasant. We met through a common friend in a party organized by our church org. we were both unfortunate participants of the dreadful dating game. Well, we didn’t end up together if that's what you think.. a close friend of mine has a crush on him back then and he does not have any appeal on me bcoz of the airy attitude he have shown to me during the whole event.. but all turned upside down. my dating game partner ended up with my friend and this guy and me got close.
i used to think that he sucks big time!, he irritates me a lot and he is so vain for a guy. So after a week or two, i saw him again bcoz he decided to join our church org. That was the time that we eventually were able to get to know each other through short chats, on and off the phone. the first time was just for business purposes only as i was assigned as one of the phone brigades that will updates members of the meeting scheds, venues, etc. Not long after we already are regular phone pals (as how they call it) sharing friendly conversations. He was actually the first one who called me out of nowhere and i was a bit surprise coz he was not disclosing to whom he got my number from.(IDD was not a hit back then).
We became easily at ease with each other and enjoyed both our company. i never expected how easily this person caught my heart. I was in denial back then and forcefully dismissed the thought that maybe, just maybe he likes me too.. he was the first guy i spent endless hours through the phone, first one to sing for me through the phone (with matching playing the guitar), first person we had the guts to dropped me by my house, to fight for me whenever somebody made me cry, did a lot of favors for me, accepted me as who i am, the person told me that everything will be alright and the he wont ever hurt me or wont let anybody hurt me, takes time to wait for me after choir practices, someone i can always depend on, someone who cried and i cried with when we felt hurt, .... a lot of the moments that any girl can remember in her lifetime...he was basically the first guy i really allowed to get in to my heart and my life.. Relationship was not encourage nor discourage in our org but i am afraid to loose him, much more our friendship that at one incident I even told him that I treasure whatever level of friendship we have but I would really appreciate it if we can just keep it to ourselves…I’m not sure how he reacted with that but I hate to think that he thought I was not interested with the extra attention.
During the process i found myself little by little falling in love with the person.. i realized that i wanted him to be a part of my life and i know i will be very happy to be with this person. I thought back then and until now that he was the person I prayed God and it was so hard to just let go.
THE LETTER: too afraid that nobody will make a move between us, i spilled my feelings to him through a letter. i think it was his birthday back then. I can’t remember and i dont want to even remember that stupid letter i made. if only i can turn back time, i wouldn’t even thought about it. but again its in the past and whatever i did before will only leave me bitter lessons i have to learned. From then on, we drifted farther away. until to this minute that i am writing this, i am still not sure what was his real intentions...nobody dared to talk about the situation. i was too afraid that i might be not ready to hear anything he might say right smacked to my face...
for months. we never conversed as how we used to. Him not talking to me, even left me in so much pain and every single meeting with seeing him makes me even broken into pieces. I missed his calls, our conversations, companionable silences, our shared laughter with friends, endless kwentuhans, his out of tune singing, his corny jokes.. it was so hard. my friends cannot do as much to make me feel any better this time around . it was even harder for me when i heard that he tried courting somebody else. it was the lowest point in my life.
days and months passed by like it was years, until i learned that he will soon be leaving. not on a vacation but permanently move in with his family in some foreign land too far away for me to even reach in that point in time. it means only one thing, i wont be seeing him, i wont even hear his voice or touch him for that matter, i realized how precious this person it to me, that i can no longer stay silent and just watch him leave...i felt so stupid wasting time, him not talking and me just ignoring him. I can’t bear the fact that i will not see this person for a very long time...
i am proud to say that i put down my pride and we started rebuilding our friendship and was able to cope up for the lost times. I knew that whatever feelings i have for him just got even so much deeper, but i tried my d*mn best to ignored it for the sake of our friendship. i tried to be happy and contented to just have him back into my life. Just as how much he said he appreciated all my efforts on everything to make his remaining days memorable. I was with him during the burial of his uncle one day before his flight, organized his despidida, compiled a scrapbook with our pictures with friends, and talked with him few hours before his early flight…
This person thought me to be just my plain self. That somebody will love me on just being me. Not to change to please somebody else but to change becoz you want to. Not to be afraid to face all the shortcomings that i might encounter along the way... to strive for my dreams, to make myself better and stood up for what i think is right in my own perfective, to fight for myself and how i feel and to take chances for love..
it was hard for me because i cant lie to myself and say that just let my feelings drift away. He already took apart of my heart, he took it when he left and i don’t know if i can love one whole again…
Months after he left, i was in stage of depression, i can’t concentrate with school, i cried too much... that i was hospitalized for a week. My friends informed him and they would bring me printed copies of his emails and i would cry along with my friends...
After i was hospitalized, i made a commitment to myself that i will pick up the pieces of myself together and get back on track…that I can move one again like before… life is beautiful and if it is really us who will end up together then God will make a way for us to be together no matter how many miles we are away from each other:::::
Another love story of my life waits after i left the hospital......to be continued...
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